Ode to Costco Cake

To be honest, I have no idea how to write an ode and I have no interest in learning.
(Rob, this means I do not need you to google it and then make me listen to its origins on our next car ride together.) 

So, really, this is going to be a rambling on the awesomeness of Costco sheet cake.

Lets go through the list of required attributes a cake must possess to be considered awesome.

1. Size - My mom always said that too much of anything was not good for you.  This does not apply to cake.  Much like everything at Costco, the cake is huge.
2. Flavor - You can have the most beautiful cake in the world, but if it tastes like crap, you have a beautiful piece of crap.  Costco cake is simply delicious.  Rob said it best today when he said their vanilla filling tastes like smooth vanilla cake batter.  He was quick to explain that in no way should his comment be taken as an insult.
3. Frosting - Buttercream.  Do not try and argue with me on this one. And do not try to gross me out by asking me (as my wedding cake lady did), "So, you literally want a glob of butter and sugar on your cake?" Because, yes I do, and now you have just turned me on a little bit. 

Now let's go through the things that make a cake suck.

1. Whipped cream "frosting" is not frosting. It is whipped cream and belongs on fresh fruit or pumpkin pie.
2. Fresh fruit by itself is not a cake filling.  Don't try to "healthy up" something that is clearly made for indulgence.
3. Fondant.  As much as I admire the beautiful creations that fondant creates, it sucks.  My sister, one of the most amazing bakers I know, has to begrudgingly use fondant when people, who think it is more important for food to be pretty than taste good, insist she cover her delicious cakes in the chewy, sugary, play-dough like substance.  Fondant has ruined cake.

So, unless you are lucky enough to be able to call my sister and have a cake made whenever you want, the next best thing you can do is go to Costco, pick up one of their sheet cakes, go home and  mow that bad boy down.  (And if I have to remind you that cake is fattening and that if you eat a lot of it all the time and do no physical activity that you will get fat, then click the little red "x" in the top right corner of your computer screen because you are dumb and I am not allowing you to be a part of the the Cool Kids Club that is this blog.)

Happy Birthday to one of most favorite people in the world, my dear (and radically talented) friend, Sharon!  Thank you for sharing your Costco cake with me today!